Eastern Seaboard Braces for the Dreaded Hurricane Rolandito

Eastern Seaboard Braces for the Dreaded Hurricane Rolandito

The National Weather Service has issued a hurricane warning for the eastern coast of the United States, including the densely-populated metropolitan areas of Philadelphia and New York City, effective immediately. The massive storm, dubbed “Hurricane Rolandito,” is being classified as a gigantic Category 5 monster with sustained winds in excess of an unprecedented 300 miles per hour. The “Mother of All Hurricanes” is expected to make landfall on Friday, October 19 at approximately 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, with the city of Philadelphia targeted as a direct hit. The storm is predicted to pound the City of Brotherly Love for three days before moving on with undiminished ferocity to The Big Apple.

Weather satellites have captured stunning photos of the oncoming storm, which appears as a swirling vortex of bananas, beer bottles, and charmingly-decorated boxer shorts. “Imagine all that underwear raining down on the heads of innocent Philadelphians," lamented President Barack Obama eloquently. “Ah, the humanity!” Concerned meteorologists have identified the disturbing image in the eye of the storm as the face of a man with an inexplicably merry, almost jubilant smile on his face. “Hey, that's what a Category 5 is like!” observed Chief Meteorologist and part-time snake-oil salesman, Mitt Romney. “All smiles on the surface but nothing but trouble! Ooops. Wait. I think I just described myself. Nevermind. Damn." Other scientists are attempting to determine if there is some correlation between the advent of the hurricane and the long-awaited return to the United States of opera superstar, Rolando Villazón, who will be singing the tenor role in Verdi’s “Requiem” precisely on the days of the storm.

Maestro Yannick “Cuddle Muffin” Nézet-Séguin, Director of the Philadelphia Orchestra, who will be conducting the Verdi classic, had this to say: “Why are you all looking at me like that? I had nothing to do with this situation. It’s just a coincidence about the “Requiem”…and...Villazón …. OK, fine, I'm guilty as charged! I should have known better than to invite that man. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m new to Philadelphia, and what have I done? This hurricane is packing an awesome wave at the curtain call, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it! Hurricane Rolandito will give 'Dies irae' new meaning! Woe is me!”

Residents, fearing the worst, are frantically stocking up on staples such as bread, milk, beer, and Rolando Villazón CDs. The Mayor of Philadelphia and the National Guard are urging residents to board up their windows and seek higher ground in advance of what is sure to be an epic storm surge. “Don’t be heroes, people,” the Mayor cautioned.  “No Philly cheese steak is worth it.” The Liberty Bell, an icon of American democracy, is being moved from Independence Hall to an undisclosed location (believed to be a bowling alley in Upstate New York) for safekeeping. “That bell's already got one big crack in it,” remarked the Mayor. “The last thing we need is to have it shattered by some opera guy howling 'Ingemisco' at the top of his lungs."

Other prominent Philadelphians weighed in about the upcoming Apocalypse.

Rocky “Boom Boom” Balboa: “Me? I’m staying. I want to tell my grandchildren that I was here when Hurricane Rolandito came.  We Americans love a fight, inside the ring or out. A pepperoni pizza (extra large) and a few six-packs of beer should get me through this. Plus that new 'Don Giovanni' recording. "Il mio tesoro...la la la."

Betsy “I’m All Thumbs” Ross: “Hey, I made the first American flag, so if I want to add the face of Rolando Villazón to it, I will, damn it. So what are going to do, sue me?”

Benjamin “Slim” Franklin chimed in, “Never will American courage be so tested since the great War of Independence. The events of the coming days will demand a new amendment to The Constitution, sure to be upheld by the Supreme Court, to wit: “The citizens of the United States are guaranteed the right to freedom from natural disasters as perpetrated by opera singers, rockstars or otherwise. We are, therefore, justified in reserving the right to detain Rolando Villazón in the United States of America until such a time that he has answered fully for his actions. Note that the process could take years to resolve, what with the legal system being what it is. Not to mention the awesome fan base headed this way. Have you seen those people?”

Stay tuned to this channel for eyewitness reports of the storm’s aftermath. Survivors, if any, will hopefully arise from the rubble to be interviewed, their piteous tales of woe documented for all to behold and lament.

Until then, good luck, Philadelphia and New York City. You’ll need it.

Joanna from New York